Being a mom and experiencing “mom guilt” seem synonymous these days. Does this sound familiar? 

You know deep down that motherhood is such a privilege and blessing, but it seems like you’re never enough, and it feels like you’re drowning. The guilt pushes you to shrink down, retreat, and hide in your shame that you must be the only one who can’t do it all. You feel stuck, alone, overwhelmed, and like a failure. The guilt continues to grow, and so the cycle continues. 

Mom guilt, the overwhelming feeling of not being enough or doing enough for our children, is one of the most common struggles I work through with my clients. While it’s tempting to hide, Mama, I want you to know that you’re not alone in your feelings. There’s an army of mamas who have experienced the same things you’re going through right now. 

I know this with certainty because I was that overwhelmed mama, and I coach moms daily through this struggle. The good news is, as a result, I’ve noticed three specific contributors to these feelings of guilt and shame moms experience. Awareness is half the battle. When we can identify triggers, we can begin to make a plan to move forward, which I’d love to start working on with you today.

I’d love to share with you today not only the most pervasive triggers for mom guilt, but the root cause and proactive practices to kick mom guilt to the curb, so that we can begin to let go of the guilt and shame and experience more freedom and joy in motherhood. 

Sound like a plan? Let’s jump in! 

Dissecting Mom Guilt: The Triggers

The Output of Motherhood

The load moms carry with the thousands of little things we do every day that often go unnoticed is tremendous. Each day can hold the demands of chef, house cleaner, medic, scheduler, chauffeur, counselor, friend, teacher, and more.. According to salary.com, the cost of a salary to replace the role of “mom” (as if that’s possible) was estimated at $184,820 in 2020, with stay-at-home moms working an average of 106 hours a week (15 hours a day 7 days a week), and working moms averaging 54 hrs a week working in the home in addition to their workload – which averages 107 hours a week. No wonder moms are tired!

Not only are the to-do lists seemingly endless, the mental load of a mom is heavy. Our brain is full of facts like shoe sizes and food preferences, due dates and play dates. Add that to the instant access to the entire world’s highlight reel (thanks social media), and we feel like the only ones who aren’t doing things well. It doesn’t matter that we intellectually know that we’re only seeing the best parts of people’s lives, it still normalizes the mountaintop experiences when we feel stuck in the every day mundane. 

The Impact of Motherhood

The weight of caring for little people is tremendous. I don’t mean only keeping them alive, which can be especially difficult especially in those toddler years, but helping them grow into productive members of society, and dealing with all the fears that come with this. It’s a heavy and weighty responsibility that constantly has us moms feeling like we’re overwhelmed, out of control, and not doing enough.

We can want all kinds of great things for our children, but we can’t force them to live into what we hope for them. This can put us at odds with our kids and ill at ease, as we try to navigate a world where we feel like we should have control but we don’t actually call the shots. 

Our “Mom Manual”

I know I’ve said more than once that I wish being a parent came with an instruction manual. I’d like to offer today that it does… sort of! 

Along the way, we’ve subconsciously created ideas and expectations of what a good mom is and does – our “Mom Manual”. These expectations come from our past experiences, society’s unwritten rules, and what we’ve seen. As a whole, moms are overwhelmed and teetering on the edge trying to be everything to everyone when they weren’t meant to do it all. When our “Mom Manual” compares our mama actions how we’re showing up as a mom, it can’t meet our reality. This is a breeding ground for discontentment, overwhelm, guilt, and shame. 

There’s also a section in our “Mom Manual” about how our kids “should” act and be. Our kids are their own people with their own ideas and preferences, which often clash with ours, and it’s a recipe for madness. 

We were never meant to do it all – we were meant to embrace our specific purpose and life here, not someone elses, even if that someone is an arbitrary character. 

The Mom Guilt Cycle: It Starts in Your Mind

The origin of mom guilt is a story we’re telling ourselves that isn’t true. Our thoughts create our feelings, which drive our actions, and they continue to cycle like a loop. The mom guilt we’re feeling is coming from a sentence in our brain. 

We may not even be able to recognize the story we’re telling ourselves, and this is where its so valuable to have someone outside of your head to talk through it with – a friend, a mentor, a coach, a spouse – they can help you see what’s inside that’s creating your outer world. 

We’re pointing our brain to find evidence

I know for me, and a lot of mamas I talk with, the shoulds are killing us. 

This should be easier.

I shouldn’t feel this way.

Other moms are doing this well – I should be able to also.

I shouldn’t want anything more. 

The shoulds create so much guilt and shame – and that tends to spill out on those we love all around us.

Your brain is so smart. When you put it to work with a thought, it starts looking for evidence to prove that thought right. 

Replaying these thoughts over and over every day reinforces all the ways you’re doing things “wrong”, and ensures we completely miss all the good in every day, leaving us stuck in guilt, frustration, and overwhelm. 

So, how do we get unstuck?

Proactively Practice Challenging the Mom Guilt: Practical Tips 

One of the first things I teach my clients is the MIND + HEART + SOUL method. I’d love to share this simple practice with you to start the journey of freeing yourself from mom guilt. 

Be conscious of your MIND 

To direct our steps on a new course, we first have to determine where we are and uncover the thoughts that are creating your reality. The voice we hear the most is our own, and it often runs non-stop unconsciously. 

When we pause and take a moment to bring what’s running in the background to light, we give ourselves the power to make a change. You can write it all down, type it out, voice record your stream of consciousness, or talk with a trusted friend or coach. Any of these options give you a mirror to reflect your thoughts back to you. This makes it easier to see what’s actually going on inside that beautiful brain of yours. 

Tap into your HEART 

If our thoughts create our feelings, our next step is to understand and process the emotions there. These thoughts that have been running in our mind have generated all kinds of emotions. None are good or bad – they just are. 

To process emotions, you can follow them through your body. Notice where you feel it, breathe through it, and allow it instead of trying to stuff it down or distract yourself. Once you allow it to move through you, you can consider what the emotion is indicating. If it had a loving message for you, what would it be?

Once you’ve processed the emotions that are already there, you get to decide what you WANT to feel!

Lead with your SOUL

Lastly, we tap into our soul to embrace the mom you were created to be. Allow her to be present – first with yourself, and then with your kids and those around you. 

Decide ahead of time how you want to show up. Do you want to be more present? Less offendable? When you’re thinking about future you, ask yourself what she needs to feel to be that person? What thought creates those feelings for you? For some help coming up with new thoughts to practice, grab my free download of thoughts here!

Choose to practice that thought that generates these feelings you desire. Set a reminder on your phone so it will pop up every couple of hours. You’re so used to doing it the way you’ve always done it, so it won’t be perfect. Progress is all we’re after.

We’re so quick to offer others grace, but need to learn to extend that same grace to ourselves. Mama, you’re doing the best you can with what you have right now, and every moment is a learning & growing opportunity. You’ve never done this day before. 

We don’t berate our children when they’re learning to walk fall down again and again. Instead we cheer them on for the progress they’re making and encourage them to try again. If only we could see ourselves through those same eyes! 

The next time you feel paralyzed by mom guilt or catch yourself spiraling, remember that you’re not alone in how you’re feeling. And now you have the tools to begin to create a different reality for yourself, starting right now. 

What thoughts create the most mom guilt for you? What do you find yourself struggling with the most? 

Planning is Partnering with God

I’m not a planner by nature. I enjoy allowing the day to unfold as it will, leaning into what I feel great about, and avoiding the things that aren’t vibing with how I feel. I don’t like feeling boxed in or being bossed around by a to-do list. I’d much rather feel my way through the day!

The problem is that our feelings often lead us astray if we allow them to be the driver. 

I have a holy calling, a purpose given to me by God himself. When I don’t prioritize that in my life because of circumstances or how I’m feeling, I’m allowing myself to become an idol that keeps me from serving and worshiping Him wholeheartedly. 

It’s easy to put things off, again and again, until they don’t get done. 

When we pass doing what we’re supposed to in favor of doing what we want, we’re rolling a snowball down the hill. It continues getting larger until it’s unwieldy and out of control. 

Psalm 90:12 says “Teach us to number our days, that we may present to you a heart of wisdom.”

We learn to number our days from His instruction, allowing us to gain wisdom that we can then give back to him with our whole heart. When we understand that this life is finite, and that everything we do is for His glory, we can get on the same page with what God is doing. 

Planning is my way of participating in God’s plan for my life. My allowing space and time on the calendar for what He’s called me to do.

By looking at my planner, I can tell if I’m agreeing with God or walking contrary to the purpose he’s given me. Right now, my purpose is wife, mama, homeschool teacher, coach. Are these roles reflected in what I plan to do this week?

How Do We Plan?

There’s no one right way to plan, except consistently. Whatever works for you is a great place to start. Planning is also a fluid thing – it’s not rigid. Don’t be afraid to start one way and switch to another as you practice.

I start by brain-dumping everything in my head. Our brains aren’t meant to hold all our information. We quite often use them as filing cabinets instead, which slows us down and can leave us feeling paralyzed with information overload. 

You know how your computer runs slower when you have all those tabs open in a few different browsers? Our brains are the same. We’ve got to clean up the mental clutter, and a big brain dump helps us to let go of all those little things taking up valuable space because we can trust they will get done when they’re on paper. 

When I brain-dump, I get everything out – from the household tasks that need to be done to the big picture items that God has called me to. 

Often, once we get all the things that must be done out of our head, we realize many of the tasks are quick action items, and many aren’t urgent after all. They just felt heavy and urgent because they were occupying valuable brain space. 

Most likely there will also be a few things in your brain dump that are either too large to be completed as is, or a vague idea of something that needs to be done. 

Here, you can break that big item into smaller, actionable items to move towards completion. “Clean out the closet” can feel daunting and leave this on your to do list for weeks when you don’t know where to start. Instead, try putting the smaller steps down: “Go through sock drawer, remove dresses that don’t fit anymore, donate shoes I no longer wear, etc”

When you’ve finished your brain dump, now you just need to decide what needs to be done when. Look at the calendar and your personal responsibilities, and decide where there’s time to complete these tasks. 

When you assign a time, stick to it, and show up at that time ready to complete the task at hand!

What We Do With the Plan Matters

We can’t just stop at planning. Most importantly, am I actually showing up to do what I’ve planned? 

When we keep our word to ourselves, we’re agreeing with what we’re called to be. We’re showing up for our life purpose filled and ready to partner with God. When we don’t show up, when we push things off arbitrarily, we’re giving our circumstances and feelings more weight. Each time we slide into this, it becomes a little easier to do so the next time. We’re creating a path in our brain that is easier and easier to default to. 

What we plan is important, but how we show up is even more so. 

Do what you set out to do. Keep your word to yourself. As you continue to show up, your brain learns you can be trusted. You follow through. You partner with God on the mission He’s set before you, and in taking these little steps faithfully, you continue to bring Him glory. 

Are you keeping your word to yourself or do you continually deflect what you should be doing in favor of what feels good at the time? How will you show up and stand in the mission God has called you to right here?

According to Healthline, it’s estimated that you have over 6,000 thoughts a day – or about 6.5 thoughts each minute while you’re awake.

Our brains are always active and working, providing us input on the world around us and our perceptions of it. Many of these 6.5 thoughts a minute are subconscious, and whether we know it or not, they are shaping our lives.

If we want to change where we are, it is essential to understand what’s actually going on in our brains.

While it’s impossible to document every single thought, we can intentionally spend time each day connecting with our minds and putting to paper what’s floating around in there. The morning is an excellent time to write down your thoughts and see what’s actually going on.

Grab a journal, blank piece of paper, or open a blank Google doc – whatever works best for you. There’s no one way to journal. You only need a space to free-write all the thoughts swirling around in your brain. Find somewhere comfortable, and settle in.

Starting at the top of the page, just begin writing what’s on your mind. If the blank page is intimidating, start with the weather or how you slept the night before. Once you get some words down, it usually begins to flow.

Whatever comes to mind, write it down. The grocery list. Something you’re anxious about. An event you’re looking forward to. How you’re struggling with one of your children’s attitudes. Whatever comes up, write it down and keep going!

Before we go any further, though, I want to caution you about a pitfall most of us fall victim to every now and then.

When we uncover thoughts that aren’t the most pleasant, we’re tempted to do one of two things:

1. Rewrite them with a positive spin before we even write them down OR
2. Shame ourselves for thinking a “bad” thought

To understand our minds more, we have to be curious. All thoughts are allowed. There are no “bad” or “good” thoughts – only thoughts.

Being honest with yourself during this process will help you to move forward in the direction you want. When we cover up these thoughts with either avoiding them or burying ourselves in guilt, it does nothing to process them productively and move forward.

It just buries them deeply, and we will continue thinking them unchecked.

This process is helpful for actually seeing what you’re thinking. Our thought patterns are well worn and we often don’t even know what’s creating the things that are frustrating us.

When we take the time to get curious with our thoughts, we can see how we’re giving away our power, how we’re playing the victim, how we are waiting for circumstances to change, and how we’re contributing to our pain.

Whether or not they are true, it doesn’t matter. What we give thought space to, we allow to grow.

If you’re ready to start intentionally taking your thoughts captive and creating the world you desire, The Busy Mom’s Guide to Generating Joy is a perfect first step. This practical 11-page downloadable PDF is available to you instantly, and it’s HALF OFF right now!

This guide includes the 5 step process of creating more joy, journal prompts and space to put your thoughts on paper, and bonus ideas of new thoughts to practice. You can use it over and over again as you grow in renewing your mind!

Are your thoughts creating results you like? If not, what are you going to do moving forward?

I’m grateful for this life I get to create. I still feel like sometimes I have the hustle mindset, that I have to work to be worth something. That my day has to be so full of things. But if my day is full of love, connection, and presence, isn’t that worth more?

The to-do list is long. Being a family of growing boys keeps the calendar full – check-ups, orthodontist appointments, sports practices, cross country meets, counseling, meet-ups with friends. There’s always food to think about as they consume more than ever to keep up with the previous list.

From the moment I wake up, I feel this tug to make the most of the day, to write out an ambitious to-do list that will leave me feeling accomplished by the end of the day. As a homeschooling mom, I spend a large portion of my day at home, and it’s like my brain refuses to recognize that this alone is hard and holy work. Instead, I need to prove myself by checking off all the to-dos I can fit into a day.

This hustle mindset that has taken over the business world has taken over my heart too, and if I’m not careful, it will choke out all the good things in my life, leaving me an empty, tired shell of myself.

I’m learning more and more each day that my worth isn’t tied to what I accomplish. Life is not about how much I do. This is my heart looking for a cheap and easy way to say to the world: “Look at me and how much I’ve done! Validate me!”

That validation never comes. Any praise from those closest to me quickly fades in a flash and I’m hustling after it again.

The truth is, friends, our worth doesn’t come from what we do, but is already built in us. We’re looking to the wrong places to remind us who and whose we are.

When the world says do more, God says rest.
When the world says prove yourself, God says you are worth everything to me just as you are.
When the world says you aren’t enough, God says I am enough, and I am in you and with you.
When the world says you aren’t contributing, God says I’ve created you for just where you are.

Planning your day is so important. Getting things out of your head and onto paper (or digital paper if you’re anything like me) clears all that clutter in our brains and allows us more space to be present, to learn and to grow.

If we’re not careful, though, that planning can put us in hustle mode, where the to-do list is king and there’s no space for presence. Staying busy is a great way to avoid feeling our feelings and working through them. I know this, because this is me.

When things get hard, or tough emotions are churning inside me, I double down on the actionables and get busy. If I stay focused on tasks, I don’t have to be uncomfortable and feel hard things that seem like they will last forever.

I work myself into a frenzy, exhaust all my reserves, and then lash out at those around me from the pain of those unprocessed emotions. It’s not a pretty cycle, but my mind has an old, well-worn pattern that this is better than actually feeling the hard stuff.

In reality, I’m just stuffing those emotions down deeper, where eventually they will come spewing out in the most unloving ways to those around me. Festering emotions store up all kinds of problems – they work to be seen and recognized, and when not acknowledged, can wreak havoc on our physical and mental wellbeing. They have a message for you, and won’t stop until you slow down to hear it.

While your emotions aren’t always truth-tellers, they do have a message for you. You can’t control how you feel – but you can gently acknowledge and allow them, thank them for trying to help you, and listen to the most loving message they have for you. After you feel those emotions and allow them to pass through, you can determine how you want to feel moving froward, and create thoughts that support this new feeling.

You can’t think your way out of feeling emotions – that’s the hard, slow work we have to be present for. As a growing, thriving human, we have access to the full range of emotions – the joy-filled, the grief-stricken, the anger-fueled. No emotion is bad, it just is. When we allow it to be felt and carry its message to us, they can move on.

Don’t dam up your emotions until there’s a breach. Allow them to flow freely. With practice, this becomes easier. You become more in tune with yourself and how you feel, and it feels less catastrophic to process them through. They aren’t here to hurt you, but to guide you along your path.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve had those thoughts that send you into a downward spiral.

If only this happened…
If only he changed this…
If I only got this thing…

That’s dangerous thinking.

You’re giving your power away.

What if I told you that you had the power to create the life you want to live?

You can stop this cycle of waiting for circumstances or people or jobs to change, and instead grab peace and joy with both hands, right in the messy middle?

You’re not a victim to circumstances. I get that things feel hard right now. And life is full of hard, painful, trying times. That will never change.

What can change, what you have control of, are the thoughts you are telling yourself that result in your feelings, which guide your actions.

The Bible tells us plainly to take every thought captive (put the reference here). Our thoughts will take us on a journey – one that we may not want to take. Friends, if no one has ever told you, you’re allowed to think different thoughts.

I know this sounds simple – almost too simple. But the proof is in the practice. And while it’s a simple idea, the execution can feel like an uphill battle.

Our brain likes those smooth, well-worn worry pathways we’ve created. It’s comfortable in what it’s always known. And when we begin to try to blaze a new trail, you’re going to need the machete to clear out the overgrowth.

First, we have to realize the old thoughts that are leading us places we don’t want to go. How are you feeling that you don’t want to feel? (Frustrated, overwhelmed, stressed, like a bad mom?) What thoughts are you having that are leading to those feelings? (I should be/shouldn’t be…)

Quite often, we’ve created a manual for how we think people are supposed to be/act in certain situations, either for ourselves or for others. And when we look on our circumstances with these manuals, it can create tension. We create these should’s/should not’s for these situations and when we don’t perform as expected, we fail.

What if you stopped should-ing on yourself? There is no one way to live this life. There is no right or wrong. All emotions are allowed, and we get to submit them to God and trust him for each step.

When we challenge these old patterns, it’s difficult. They may feel true, because you’ve been telling them to yourself for so long. But is it really true?

We don’t leave space in our lives for things that aren’t true. We think on what is true, holy, noble, and worthy. We adjust our thoughts to be in line with God and his word, and move forward in His truth.

It’s hard, holy work, and oh so worth it. The life you want is within your reach and waiting for you. You get to create it starting with your intentional thoughts.

If you want some ideas of intentional thoughts to practice, grab this free list as my gift to you.

What thoughts are most prevalent in your mind right now? What reality is this creating for you? Is this who you want to be?

When we look to motherhood for validation, it’s not here. There are beautiful, hard-won moments, sure, but for the majority of the time, you feel unfit and lacking wisdom for the job ahead. 

It’s why we look to others for advice, for how-tos. We seek out those who seem to have it together more than we do and copy what they’re doing. 

In reality, none of us know what we’re doing. And there’s no one right way to be a mom. Just as we’re all gifted with individual personalities and gifts, we show up to motherhood with unique perspectives and ways to navigate. Different isn’t wrong. Hard isn’t bad.

The things I write at Mom Life by Design aren’t a how-to manual, because I deeply believe one can’t be written. Nor is there one way to do this thing. It’s a joining of hands, a word of encouragement, a shift of perspective. It’s pushing the reset on this one wild life you’ve been given and learning to lean into the one who entrusted you with your children.

In Him is the only place our validation comes, and even then, it’s not because of our works. It’s because of His goodness that we can be good. 

If you’re weary, at the end of your rope, or feeling like you’re the biggest hot mess there ever was, you’re in the right place. My prayer is this site won’t tell you the to-dos you need, but it will remind you of who you are. And whose you are. 

And that, friend, is just what my tired mom heart needs to keep on.

One way I’ve been able to use self-care to renew my mind on motherhood is by practicing positive affirmations. There are things every mom needs to hear, and by repeating them to ourselves, we are able to focus on what we want to create in our lives. There’s power in our words, and when we choose to speak life to ourselves daily, it brings to life the attitudes and responses we desire to cultivate.

We don’t have to wait for others to speak truth and life into our day because we can do it for ourselves. What we think often becomes our reality, and our inner voice can often not be kind. It’s important that we retrain ourselves to speak positively and kindly, as we are the only people we will spend the entirety of our lives with.

I’ve found that pocket cards help me to remember my focus, and allow me to always have truth at hand.

I’d love to share 16 printable affirmation cards with you to encourage you on the journey. Grab your free printable affirmation cards of things every mom needs to hear below!

Keep the truth close at hand.

It’s easy for moms to get stuck in negative thought patterns in the middle of the mundane. Print these affirmations to remind yourself of these important truths, no matter where you are or what you’re doing.

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